One of the traits about me is that I believe I am pretty independent. Maybe my independence was built up slowly like a shell to protect me when I was growing up. I am a sensitive person by nature, but I don’t like to show it.
In school, I was quiet and studious, and I got pretty good grades. My school’s standard was pretty average, so it was relatively easy to excel. Maybe because of that, some classmates got jealous and tried to ostracise me (the scariness of being in an all girls’ school…). All of a sudden, I found myself the target of gossip and rejection, which I had no clue about how or what even happened. It was a cruel thing for teenagers to do, but fortunately I had no real need for many friends and I was happy with just having 1-2 good friends to hang out with.
Since then, I preferred having quality rather than quantity in my relationships. I truly had no real need for people around me, and I didn’t care about being popular.
Maybe because of the way I grew up, I had always preferred to keep my feelings to myself and be independent of others. I didn’t want to be hurt by getting too close to anyone. Growing close to someone was to give them the power to hurt me, and I didn’t want that.
Recently, I have been going through a tough period and found myself increasingly reliant on my partner for support and counsel. Being in this situation where I am feeling weak and reliant on others is something I am not used to. Yet it is unbelievably comforting and soothing to know that there is someone who will encourage and support me unconditionally, no matter what. The weak and vulnerable self that I show to my partner is not one I show often to others. To a certain extent, I am glad to have someone like that.
On the other hand, it also scares me sometimes as I feel out of my emotional depth. Suppressing my feelings is natural, confronting difficult feelings and working through them is not. Maybe this is part of the evolution journey I am going through. I have no idea if this is a good thing or not.
One thing I do realise is that in spite of my low need for a large social circle, I do wish to be liked. Being disliked is not a comfortable feeling for me. I wonder why that is the case? Maybe it is a lie when I tell myself I have no need to have people around me. Perhaps I am just a weak human being desperately trying to up a brave front, and not succeeding.
Lately, I have been feeling increasingly like I have lost my sense of direction. Going round in circles is not what I wanted. Soon, I will be back to square one again. Starting from scratch may be scary, it may also signal a brand new start. Only time will tell.