I wanted to stop writing as I no longer had a motivation to write. Previously, it was a way of communication between us, a fun challenge that spurred me on to try a new habit.
Coming up with things to say is a struggle for me, since I internalise a lot and am private by nature.
However, I am finding it hard to stop communicating cold turkey. Since you decided to stop responding to me, there has been a gaping hole in my heart and I am having trouble coming to terms with it. This is hard to admit too, as I have been trying to put up a normal façade to the people around me.
The urge to break out in tears has subsided a bit, but the pain remains internally.
So I decided to try writing as if I am talking to you, to keep up my ‘routine’ until I am able to find a way to stabilise myself in other ways emotionally. Forgive me for not being able to let go as easily as you had.
It has been over a week since you were gone. The emotional roller coaster I was on was scary to take on my own. I don’t particularly enjoy roller coasters, and avoid taking them if I can help it.
I don’t blame you for how things turned out, because it was ultimately my decision to allow you to take me on this ride. Maybe I should have refused, but looking back I don’t regret the experiences we shared.
You are such a mass of contradictions. Optimistic, yet beneath the cheery exterior lies a stormy heart. Kind and sweet, yet cruel in the way you handled our breakup. Encouraging and motivating towards others, yet when faced with tough personal challenges you refuse to share the burden.
My heart aches so much, both for myself and also for you.
I suddenly realised that you were probably weighed down by a lot of past baggage, that you may not have left completely behind. Just like me, you had baleful ghosts of the past lurking in the shadows. I should have realised that earlier, but the joy of finding and discovering about a kindred spirit probably distracted both of us from our troubles temporarily. Now that the beautiful dream has come to an end, we will need to find our own way forward.
Indeed, maybe this is an opportunity for me to step back and learn to find myself again. To become reliant on myself rather than wanting to rely on someone to make me happy.